Splatters on the Wall

Today my oldest turned 10. He had a wonderful day. Our family had a wonderful weekend celebrating. Life is good. We are all healthy, my husband has a fabulous job, and I weigh around 121. I have nothing to complain about. Yet the brownies called me. I woke up and they were my first thought. I binged on them at 4:45 in the morning before my morning treadmill time. I could only complete a few moments on the treadmill before the nausea overtook me and I had to stop and purge. I do not fear getting fat again. I fear feeling so sick I am unable to take care of all my family. So I purged, got ready for the day and vowed I would never succumb to a binge again. 8 hours later I was cleaning up from lunch and saw trigger foods on the counter. It tempted me and I binged again. My husband was outside working in the yard, my two younger children were happily playing and I was stuffing my face with all the unhealthy food I could find. My eyes constantly vigilent to make sure no one walked in on me. Tonight I was tired from the sugar hangover, nausea was beginning and I knew I needed to rid my stomach of the excess food or I might wake up extremely sick tomorrow. I did. My husband was at Bible Study, my two older children were playing a board game, and my two younger boys were tucked into bed. I purged again. Two times in one day. Something I have never done before, something I was horrified to realize, and something that has driven me to begin this blog in an attempt to organize my thoughts and give me an outlet. No one around me knows this is my secret. As I brushed my teeth in the beautiful master bathroom we waited and saved a decade to build, my eyes were caught by a splatter of vomit that had landed on the wall by the toilet. Embarassment overwhelmed me. I started doing this when I was 16 and I am now 33. 17 years of this? Time to move on. I've been saying that for 16 years, but sending my words and thoughts out into the world certainly gives a validity different than my previous commitments! I think I will leave those splatters on the wall to remind me of how pitiful it can be if I don't find healthier outlets.