3 days without bingeing! The temptation hasn't even been strong. I've stuck to my "fist plan" of eating (eating roughly the amount of the size of a fist every three hours without worrying too much about fat or calorie content) with no deviations. Seems easy right now. I love this feeling and I live in fear of the next downward spiral. Just taking a nibble of something at an unappointed time is all it might take. I hate having to be that rigid, but it's just how I'm made. I'm an all or nothing girl!

I went on a huge $500 grocery shopping trip this morning and bought a bunch of foods that could potentially be triggers e.g. oreos, baked goods, sesame sticks, cheezits etc, but they were too good of a bargain to pass up. If only I can actually delight my family by feeding them fun foods from a box, instead of scarfing them all down myself in private...

I have alot of mental angst over my weight today. I was 120.0 I've promised myself I'll never get to the teens, but I found myself contemplating not drinking or anything for a few hours, so the next time I went to the bathroom I could strip down, weigh myself and see that 119 number. I decided that was ridiculous and went right ahead and had my coffee. I secretly hope I will be 119 tomorrow, but hope I will not get discouraged if I'm higher. I've said 121 was my floor. Just like I don't let myself buy clothes that are size 0 or 1. That works for me. I was hoping 121 would be the same thing. My nice, safe and healthy size 2. I don't want to be brittle and frail looking. I want to be a healthy and strong, energetic wife and mother. Its so hard to judge how your own body looks. I am fully aware "frail and brittle" will be adjectives that describe me before I notice it myself. Been there, done that. And I've been 178 after months of bingeing and gaining. Been there, done that too. The emotional struggle follows me whatever the weight is, but it sure is alot easier to fit into clothes when I'm on the smaller side.